Oh Hell to the No
by dsakitad
Summary: Summary: The Avengers take a step back to remember just why they hate clowns.


AN: Here's my submission for bettercallsabs and letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked Countdown to Fall Writing Challenge. I had _way_ too much fun with this (considering that clowns are literally the worst *Jean Ralphio™) A special thanks goes out to mermaidxatxheart for late night brainstorming and thinkwritexpress-official for being an amazing Beta for me! Much love to you both 3

Happy Fall Y'all!

P.S. This is my first time writing ever writing something for Sam, but after thinkwritexpress-official 's note of "Sam Wilson is the cutest, most precious bean there is…" I had to try (emphasis on the try)

Warnings: Clowns! and a few choice swear words.

Prompt: Clowns…yeah, not my thing

It was a quiet Saturday afternoon at the Avengers compound. For the first time in what felt like forever, everyone was home and there were currently no missions to prep for.

You and Sam were lightly dozing together in a hammock just beyond the tree line, the wind gently swinging you back and forth. Sam was idly running his fingers through your hair and you were drumming your fingers across his chest, imagining the music you were fingering along to.

Vision phased through the trees, floating a few feet up in the air, his cape silently flapping behind him. He gave you an apologetic look. "I don't mean to intrude, but Mr. Stark has called everyone together for a meeting."

Sam grumbled under his breath but otherwise didn't say anything. You looked up to Vision and gave him a small smile. "Okay. Thank you for letting us know. We'll be there in five minutes."

* * *

Everyone had just settled down into their usual seats when Tony Stark announced, "We are going to host a haunted house."

You gave Sam a sideways look, confusion on your face. Was this something that the Avengers did on a yearly basis and you just missed it? Or was this one of his hare-brained ideas?

"You want a bunch of mentally messed up trained soldiers to host a haunted house?" Sam voiced, raising an eyebrow in speculation. "You realize that we aren't actors, right?"

Tony let out a guffaw. "Like I'd let any of you run around loose. Just you alone would make Barnes the target of some half-assed prank. You all have the focus of a squirrel outside of missions."

"Hey! They aren't half-assed!"

Tony ignored Sam's outburst. "Anyway, I figured that if we hosted it at the old tower in Manhattan, whatever we charge for entry we can donate to Homes for Our Troops."

There was a murmur of agreement over the idea.

You were the only one who hesitated, and that quickly drew Tony's attention. "So….if we do this, we can't do clowns."

"Clowns?" he questioned, looking at you over the rim of his orange-tinted glasses. "Clowns are the best, what are you talking about?"

"Welp. Y'all remember how I used to live in North Carolina?" you asked, launching into your story. "Around Halloween, there was this kick-ass haunted house thing that had this amazing waiting area that was more like a carnival with all these food booths and fun rides. Jeremy always likes to go on the tilt-a-whirl, but after eating too many elephant ears, he threw up everywhere and it was super gross."

"Who's Jeremy?" Steve asked, trying to get all the details straight. Sam just waved him off for you, wanting you to continue your story.

"Anyways, it was so cool because they had multiple different houses for you to go through. One was called claustrophobia where there was nothing but black and white strobe lights and tight hallways you literally had to squeeze through. Then..and then there was this one house that was painted with the 3D paint. You know, the type where you have to wear those glasses that give you a migraine and make you feel like you're on a shitty acid trip?" Sam laughed at your description of the exotic rooms and threw an arm across the back of your chair. "So yeah, in that trippy room, the theme was clowns and there was this one, oh, I didn't even see him until it was too late. He was crawling around on the ground and had to have been a contortionist or came straight from the grudge because there's no way his head could have been that close to his butt. And of course, instead of going after Chris or Emily, he comes straight at me, making this loud growling noise. And I kicked him….in the face…and broke his nose. My group got kicked out after that, but Robert and his fluorescent pink hoodie thought it was hysterical and bought us all McDonalds afterward."

There was a moment of silence before the room broke out into obnoxious laughter and you turned bright red in embarrassment and finished your story with, "So clowns…. Yeah, not my thing."

"You've been hanging out with Tic-Tac's friend again, have you?" Sam accused, looking down his nose at you with playful judgment.

In response, you gave an indifferent shrug. "I think Louis tells the most hysterical stories. I couldn't ever live up to his dramatics, but a girl can try."

Buck was sitting hunched over in his chair, scowling as he looked deep in thought. "Yo, Tin Man. Got somethin' to say?" Sam goaded, his face splitting into a wide smile, eyes twinkling with mischief.

The Winter Soldier turned to glare at his teammate, resisting the urge to stick his tongue out at the annoying Air Force bird (or brat?). "I'm just remembering when some asshole hired some random guy to dress as a clown and follow me around all day. Wouldn't say a word to me no matter how much I yelled or threatened him. He also had one red balloon. And it was filled with oxygen, not helium, so it dragged on the floor next to him." Bucky let out an involuntary shudder at the memory. "It was… unsettling."

The room was silent as they tried to imagine the situation. Sam pulled out his phone and pulled up a picture that showed Bucky yelling at the clown as he was in the kitchen, the clown's face remaining in a chaotic smirk. You cringed into the couch, shutting your eyes and pushing Sam's hand away. "That's fucked up, Sam," you chastised, trying to purge the image from your mind.

Your boyfriend just offered you a nonchalant shrug. "Still the best $100 I've ever spent."

"I hate Bozo," Clint mumbled, giving his own shudder.

"Isn't Pennywise the Clown based off of Bozo?" Steve asked, tilting his head to the side as he was trying to pull the random information from the back of his mind. Everyone looked at the Captain in surprise. Noticing everyone's look, he gave a smug smile. "Just because I was frozen for a few decades doesn't mean that I don't know things."

"Riiiggghhhtttt," Clint drawled out, running a hand through his hair. "Well, my family never allowed us around clowns after my uncle saw Bozo live. I guess he was invited to sit in his lap and he smelled like cheap whiskey and cigars while sporting a boner."

"Happens to the best of us," Tony quipped, taking a sip of his expensive whiskey, quirking an eyebrow at Clint. "I bet Nat doesn't have an issue with clowns. Nothing scares her." He turned and gave the woman in question a look, seeking her opinion on the matter.

The redhead pursed her lips, crossing her arms over her chest and shook her head. "Nope. Don't trust them after learning about John Wayne Gacy." Most everyone looked confused by that comment with the exception of you and Banner. Nat let out a scuff of disbelief. "Serial killer from Illinois who sexually abused and murdered at least thirty-three (33) boys? Worked as a party clown? Painted portraits of himself as a clown while on death row? Ring a bell?" Nobody said anything and she let out another huff and rolled her eyes, muttering some insult under her breath in Russian, making Bucky smile.

"Don't forget that one clown on American Horror Story that was missing his mandible," Bruce commented, rubbing his own jaw. "He was…nightmare inducing."

Tony let out a sound of annoyance. "Twisty the Clown was just a lonely fucker who wanted friends."

"Tony," Vision began, "I think that after listening to everyone's bad experiences with these horrid creatures you should reconsider having a clown room in the haunted house."

The philanthropist narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips, thinking things over in his head. With a reluctant sigh, he said, "Fine. However, I reserve the right to choose what will replace the clowns." He turned to give you specifically an evil look. "And because Ms. Foster was the one to start this clown hating party, I choose spiders."

You could feel the blood drain from your face. Turning, you looked to Sam for a line of defense. The smile on his face matched the evil grin that was on Tony's and you knew that you were screwed.

"Oh hell to the no!"


End file.
